“It is easy to be solemn, it is so hard to be frivolous.” G.K. Chesterton
When faced with life’s greatest challenges, most people turn to seriousness to solve them. After denial, it is usually the next default response. But we often mistake being serious with being effective. The problem with taking things too seriously is that it makes us hyper-focused. It gives us tunnel vision. We can’t think abstractly. We make silly mistakes. Thankfully, there is a better strategy--frivolity.
The world’s best hostage negotiators think of their job like one big game. That isn’t to say that they don’t act with authority and professionalism, because they do. They just understand that terrorists get an upper hand by forcing their opponents into a position of defensive seriousness. A position that is staunchly reinforced by the heuristic called “loss aversion.” The same heuristic that justifies the old saying, “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” In other words, humans are more motivated by potential loss than potential gain.
Terrorists are subject to the same aversion, though. They don’t want to lose their advantage and will do whatever it takes to stay in control. And that is precisely their greatest weakness. They are overly serious. Their demands can be strategically reduced by asking them to more clearly define what they want and politely guiding them to admit when those wants are unattainable. Their desire to be heard and taken seriously can be used to disarm them by a skilled negotiator. The same tactics work in business deals and personal relationships.
The person least bothered by a situation is actually the one in the best position to influence it. This is the cool calm that we see in the professional athlete when they are in the zone. The smile that comes across the face of the poker player who has won a hand without even needing to bluff. The confidence that comes with knowledge of the game and no attachment to the outcome. It is the result of recognizing the seriousness of a situation but not letting the fear paralyze us.
Frivolity is a state of mind that defuses zero sum thinking and buffers the egoic trap of seriousness. By recognizing that the biggest obstacle between us and our goals is most often ourselves, we can begin to relax and adopt a sense of humor concerning life’s biggest stressors. Getting worked up about an expected result is the fastest path towards disappointment. Approaching challenges more like a game, and less like a gladiatorial battle, can free up energy that would otherwise be directed towards the fear of loss.
There are very few things worth getting upset about. And those that do rise to that standard are far better negotiated with frivolity in mind. No one is perfect and emotions will get the better of us from time to time, but these are always learning opportunities--reminding us that we can always improve our ability to hold serious things more loosely. Keeping in mind that there is no such thing as certainty and that control is an illusion, we can surrender more and more to the notion that the secret to happiness is enjoying the passage of time.
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